"I was 28, working on my first big show five years ago," says Jeff Sanders*, a creative director for an event-production firm. "One night on site, I went out with some people from my office. I'd been working closely with the project manager -- an older woman, about 49, very attractive -- and we were doing tequila shots and dancing. The next thing I knew, I grabbed her and started kissing her."
Though Sanders was nervous about "the whole sexual harassment thing," the attraction was mutual. "We kept making out in front of everyone. We didn't spend that night together, but the next morning I showed up at her room with some aspirin for her hangover. We wound up having sex the whole morning and missing rehearsals."
Certainly, this type of occurrence isn't unusual at off-site meetings. By its very nature, travel -- for business or pleasure -- is a chance to try something new, to redefine yourself, as it were. "It's the great American alternate reality," says Susie Bright, a k a "Susie Sexpert," author of The Sexual State of the Union, "How to Write a Dirty Story," and editor of the yearly Best American Erotica series. "You're not eating the same food or sleeping in the same bed, so your social/sexual life seems up for a change too. You know you won't be around to deal with the morning-after consequences, whether they're bitter or sweet. You feel you can take a risk and then take a flight."
In Sanders' case, however, there was a morning after. After developing a relationship with his colleague, who worked in the same office back home, he found that love and work didn't mix. "The next show we did together was fine, but the one after that was not good," he recalls. "I'd started out below her -- though I didn't report to her -- but by then I'd moved up very quickly and my role, authority, and salary were much greater than hers. It was very difficult to do the show. I even wanted to send her home, but I couldn't."
Though today Sanders says he avoids such experiences -- "I don't know that I could do a job at the level I do it now and carry on like that" -- he in no way regrets his past. "I've had several flings like that. When things happen on the road, it's much more sexually charged -- very intense, very high energy. You're staying alone in a swanky hotel, you're working really hard, then you go out and meet people. It's not like your partner is going to drop in. It's very easy."
Notwithstanding Sanders' cavalier attitude, engaging in off-site sex can be dangerous, not just for oneself but for the organization, resulting in anything from impaired productivity -- the very reason he cites for giving up such opportunities -- to a harassment lawsuit. But while SM found many planners willing to share their war stories of dealing with sex on the road, few seemed to know what to do about defusing potentially embarrassing situations, or even if they should do anything. Following are several more true tales of hanky-panky that got out of hand, as well as advice on how to keep your company, and yourself, from ending up in a compromising position.
Sex on the Circuit
"I was walking back to my room very late one night during a meeting at an Arizona resort," recalls Cheryl Fox*, "and as I was passing the pool, I heard two people cavorting drunkenly. To my horror, I realized it was my top speaker -- with the wife of the CEO of the company I was planning the meeting for!"
Even worse, adds Fox, she looked up to see the CEO himself approaching the pool from the other end, evidently looking for his missing wife. He caught the planner's eye, heard enough of the carrying on to realize what was up -- and did an about-face and made a beeline for his villa.
Now that she'd been spotted, Fox realized she had to take action. She approached the dissolute couple and told them it was "time to return to their respective rooms," then personally escorted the CEO's wife back to her villa. The next morning, the CEO called Fox and told her to order the speaker off the premises. Even worse, she lost that client forever. "He thanked me for how I handled it, but said he just couldn't do business with me anymore. I was a reminder of a highly embarrassing personal moment."
But Fox couldn't get out of hiring the speaker again -- as a top researcher in the industry she specialized in, he was unavoidable. (She got her revenge, however, by spreading the word in the industry about his appalling behavior and advising other planners to keep him chaperoned at all times.)
As quasi-celebrities in their respective fields, speakers have been known to indulge in rock-star-like behavior, planners and other observers say. "If you're a [speaker], or having to do a big 'show' of some sort, the emotional nose dive you take after the applause dies down is quite intense," explains Bright, herself a frequent speaker on the literary circuit. "You often turn to a drink or some fetching 'groupie' to make the transition a little smoother. You're going to eat, drink, or get laid. Most performers don't start meditating in their room immediately after the curtain closes."
The problem, say those who've worked with big-ego types, lies when they assume everyone's a groupie. In one disturbing incident several years back, a speaker assaulted a desk clerk who went up to his room to drop off some meal vouchers. "This wasn't about making a pass and being rebuffed," says SM's source, an ex-director of sales at a major chain property in the Southeast, who saw the victim's bruises herself. "She had to fight him off. She called the police and they arrested him when they saw the marks on her face. We had to call the planner in the middle of the night to tell her to find a substitute for the next morning's meeting."
Backup plans aside (you've always got another speaker in the wings, right?), planners needn't be shrinking violets when dealing with these situations. Carol Krugman, CMP, CMM, an international planner with 20 years' experience and a crisis management expert, recommends taking a proactive stance; in some cases, she says, you have to be creative to find solutions. For instance, "On one of my first meetings, I had to hire a speaker known for propositioning young female staffers," she notes. "He was an important industry figure and everyone was intimidated by him. I knew that he behaved himself in front of his wife, so I decided to insist that he bring her."
Rather than calling the speaker and bluntly ordering him to bring the missus, Krugman did a little detective work first. "I discovered we knew someone in common, so when I called to invite him I chatted him up about our mutual acquaintance." Establishing that personal connection, Krugman says, put her in enough of a comfort zone to make her request -- to which he balked at first, then laughed and agreed. "He was actually tickled by the situation, that I had the courage to talk to him like that." The result was doubly positive: Krugman avoided an unpleasant -- and potentially litigious -- scenario, plus she got admiration for her forthrightness.
But It's My Boss!
How would Ann Landers handle this anonymous letter, received by Successful Meetings? "My manager was a known flirt who always let herself get carried away at meetings when she was away from her husband," writes a 22-year planning veteran at a high-tech company. "She'd habitually disappear for hours at a time, telling us she was in a 'very important meeting' with a high-level executive or favored customer." Often the planning team was left stranded for hours, waiting for the manager to show up so they could make timely decisions. "Then she'd return, sleepy-eyed, and with sheet-wrinkle marks on her face and arms!"
Several times, says the planner, she tried to get her manager back on track by gently reminding her that she needed to be more available -- to no avail. Ultimately the planner left the company. "Although I no longer work for this woman, I understand that she is still using her wiles to spice up her life [on site]."
That surprises many observers. "Eventually that behavior will catch up with [the manager]," predicts Letitia Baldrige, former chief of staff for Jacqueline Kennedy and author of 18 books on business etiquette, manners, and other subjects, "especially since she's a woman. Men are always excused -- people say, 'Oh, they're just men' -- but women in business are critically observed under microscopes all the time."
Jana Kemp, head of Meeting and Management Essentials in Boise, Idaho, and a frequent speaker on meeting management and communication, says that sometimes leaving a situation that makes you uncomfortable, as this woman did, is your best option. Another is to talk to your company's human resources (HR) department. In this case, she notes, given that the situation was frustrating for the entire team, going in as a group would have been the most effective route. She adds, "It's HR's responsibility to maintain confidentiality as far as who lodged the complaint." As for the argument that they couldn't prove what the manager was doing during her absences, Kemp notes, "The reason for the absence is irrelevant. It could have been anything. The bottom line is, productivity was negatively affected."
Sex for Sale
While some rely on their charms to make friends, others resort to cruder methods. Just ask Jim O'Leary*, a New York City-based manager of a high-profile trade show. Under pressure to keep his VIP attendees returning each year, he finds himself going out of his way to fulfill their requests -- even when those involve arranging liaisons with call girls. And he's not the only one: Several planners and hotel staffers report similar situations.
"A group I used to deal with used the sex industry as entertainment for their attendees," says a senior sales manager for a well-known chain. "They'd bring in 120 to 150 buyers, all male, and host them at an all-nude strip club every year," letting them run up a tab for drinks and table dances of anywhere from $26,000 to $38,000. Even more shocking, "The meeting planner -- a woman -- would interview each of the 'ladies' and match them up with a client." The "hostesses" would also attend receptions and parties at the hotel, adds the source. "The company did sell a lot of their product. I guess it worked for them. It was a great piece of business for the hotel and it never got out of hand."
Oh, really? Can you say "Tailhook," boys and girls? Like the infamous Navy convention of a decade ago, the above scenario is a lawsuit waiting to happen, declares Nan DeMars, a Minneapolis-based expert on office ethics and author of You Want Me to Do WHAT? (Simon & Schuster, 1998). "It's procurement, which is illegal. And it's harassment in spades. What if a female buyer found out this was going on and complained? If one person blows the whistle, [the company] could be wiped off the map." And if the planner in question was an independent owner-operator, adds DeMars, she could be held liable, along with the hotel.
How should planners respond if asked to do something illegal or unethical? "Show that you understand what you're being asked to do and that you know it's unethical or illegal," urges DeMars. The planner asked to arrange for call girls, for instance, could say, "In other words, you're asking me to procure prostitutes for attendees?" Nine times out of ten, DeMars predicts, the person will reply, "No, I didn't mean that" -- and withdraw the request. If he or she insists, "Say no, and give them this reason: 'Because I may be held accountable,' " which no one can argue with. "They may find someone else to do it, but it won't be you." Or simply say, "You're on your own. I don't want to get involved in that." The bigwig with the big bucks may not like your answer, adds DeMars, "but he'll respect it, and respect trumps like, every time."