Tit for tat. That's the typical tactic people use when faced with a critical comment. But that is not the best way to collaborate. There are strategies available to help defuse the negative impact of these types of interactions. To explore them, take a look at the interaction below and see if this scenario sounds familiar to you.
Your boss says: "You're late with your status report again."
You say: "Yeah, it was late, but I was just trying to make a few more calls. You want to get the best room rates, don't you? That is still my priority, right?"
Your boss responds: "That's your priority, yes, but we've got to have the report for project-tracking purposes. Other people manage to get theirs in on time." And the conversation escalates from there.
There is a smarter way to handle situations like this. Kill a critical remark by agreeing. Yes, agreeing. There are several techniques for using agreement to keep criticism from becoming a stumbling block to getting your job done.
Agree with the essence of the criticism. Simply state that you agree with the essence of what someone is saying (even if not the entirety of the comment), and say what you will do differently. The pressure is off both of you immediately. The other person doesn't feel compelled to keep pointing out the problem, and you don't feel compelled to keep refuting it and losing credibility.
Agree that you understand what the other person is saying. This doesn't mean that you agree with the comment; it means you have listened well. Tell the person that you know where she is coming from, then repeat her position on the issue and say, "Is that what you're saying?" Wait for the other person to confirm that you have correctly interpreted her comment, then state your view of the situation, which may or may not be the same. For example, "I don't see the situation in that light. I know there can be different perceptions. Here's my view of what happened, but I'll keep your comments in mind next time that occurs."
Agree that the other person has a right to an opinion. What if the person's comment is blatantly wrong? State something like this: "I understand that you think my strategy with this project is wrong. You want me to submit a report and you think I've been dragging my feet. I disagree that a formal report at this time is the best way to manage this project, and I've given you my reasons. But I accept your opinion. Which way would you like me to handle it—your way or mine?"
Agree in principle. You can agree in principle on the goal or the desirability of certain results in a perfect world. That is, maybe the other person has compared your performance to an abstract ideal that no one can meet. For example: "Well, I agree with the written policy on that issue—it generally makes good sense." Or: "Well, I agree that we should use a timeline to manage projects." Or: "Well, you're right that filing project reports at regular intervals is always preferable."
Agreement in conflict situations is a powerful response and forms a strong bond. And it gets results.
Dianna Booher is CEO of Booher Consultants, a Dallas-based communications training firm. She has published more than 40 books, including Communicate with Confidence! (McGraw-Hill). She can be contacted at [email protected], or call (817) 318-6000.