Before the age of two, virtually everyone in the world has learned to talk. But only a small minority of people, even after reaching adulthood, know how to truly conduct a decent conversation. To become a great conversationalist, the first concept that must be grasped is that talk and conversation are not the same thing—especially when it comes to networking. And that disparity can mean the difference between a job interview and a job, a casual business contact and a long-term client relationship, and a meeting and an unforgettable event.
Knowing how to create scintillating, memorable, "wow" exchanges that leave participants transformed is a powerful skill that can be learned. And these days, when we're surrounded by chatter but crave authentic connection, the ability to engage in meaningful conversation can make you a more valuable employee—or boss, a more successful negotiator, a more insightful meeting planner, and the kind of leader people will instinctively follow.
Here are a few tips that can help transform anyone from a conversational coward into a dialogue dynamo.
Enter each conversation with the intention to be changed by it. Approaching every conversation with an open mind and open heart can lead to new insights, new directions, and new relationships. Don't worry about being right; rather, focus on learning something new.
Let your eyes do the talking. In Western cultures, eye contact is critical to establishing your credibility, as well as establishing an authentic connection. In a one-on-one conversation, practice maintaining eye contact so that your listener knows she has your full attention. In a large gathering, be careful not to employ the "group graze," making only brief eye contact with your listener while scanning the crowd, which implies that you're looking for someone more important to talk to. Prior to initiating a conversation with someone, ask yourself what you would like to know that would help enhance the conversation for you both.
Build your word wealth. It's obvious a meager vocabulary is one reason small children's conversations are not the stuff of Shakespeare, and why when beginners are learning a foreign language, they are initially restricted to ordering food and getting directions. To truly converse—in richly nuanced fashion—you must own a portfolio of words. There's no reliable scheme to get rich quick in words. But consider becoming a regular visitor to the "Word of the Day" section at www.m-w.com to add to your vocabulary daily.
Laugh it up. Laughter can take the bite out of tough talk, diffuse tension, and simply add good fun. Make it your responsibility to find humor in some aspect of the next serious conversation in which you find yourself. But don't be a clown, or someone whose humor ridicules others. Better to make yourself the butt of the joke, and invite others to join in.
Keep in mind that a conversation is an exchange between people, an intercourse of thoughts, ideas, feelings, and energy. The powerful result is that something new is created, an idea, a strategy, an agreement, or whatever, that did not exist before the authentic engagement of people with one another took place. Each person is changed, altered in some way by the experience, and expanded by the other's words.
Susan Willett Bird is the founder of Wf360, LLC, a New York City-based firm that facilitates communication and transformational change for corporate clients. Portions of this article were excerpted from her book, I is for Intercourse: the ABC's of Authentic Conversation. To contact Willett, visit www.wf360.com/abcs/index.htm.